(Viewership expressed in TRP, GRP, BURP, and other indicators of gastric discomfort)

Bangalore: Senior scientists at the IISc have expressed alarm at the uncontrolled proliferation of TV channels claiming maximum viewership.

Scientists at the IISc are like, WTF. They point out that in any given universe, one and only one TV channel can be the most viewed at standard temperature and pressure.

Wave particle duality
Malayalee particle physicist Prof. Unnikrishnan has blamed this anomaly on the wave-particle duality of electrons, due to which a single electron can seem to be at two different places at the same time. “So imagine what happens when zillions of electrons are beamed at you through your television set. Obviously, you’d be watching several different channels at the same time. This explains how all the news channels have identical ratings.”

Parallel Universe theory
Bengali Astrophysicists Prof. Bose and Dr. Ghose have ridiculed Prof. Unni’s theory, saying that it begins with an anomaly and ends up with an anomalayalee. Bose & Ghose claim that it is a mistake to think that we live in a single universe with multiple TV channels. According to them, each TV channel is a full-fledged parallel universe with its own set of laws and award ceremonies. The viewers exist in remote zones from where they use their remotes to switch between the TV universes. Naturally, each TV channel enjoys total viewership within its own universe, just like DD continues to, with Krishi Darshan.

When reached for comment, Unni refuted the Bengali theory, saying that two Bongs don’t make a right.

SINGUR: Senior TATA engineers are examining a daring new proposal that enables the creation of new land practically out of thin air. The proposal exploits a law of trigonometry according to which any length of land can be doubled by simply giving it a 60 degree slope. In other words, a sloped landfill on the undisputed 500 acres will be more than sufficient to house the entire project. Also, given the steep incline, engineers  expect a much quicker rollout of the Nano.

"who's your didi?"

When reached for comment, Mamta Banerjee accused the West Bengal government of dodging the problem by trying to arrive at a solution. “Ratan and Buddhadeb keep talking about a compensation package in exchange for the acquired land. We have no interest whatsoever in any package that endangers the survival of the problem” she said.

"blimey!"

Ratan Tata lay glumly on the couch, flipping through an old issue of Cosmo. His face seemed to brighten when he got an SMS from Buddhadeb, but the news was bad. Mamta was still rousing the rabble. Ratan sat up and speed-dialled the CM: “But Buddha, you said I could have the land… a promise is a promise.” Buddhadeb appeared to feign a network problem and quickly hung up. Ratan then fixed his eyes dreamily on the horizon and told the gathered pressmen, “I promise to get the hell out of West Bengal… and there will be no turning back… a promise is a promise”. Angels wept.

"We're dealing with Genghis Khan in a cotton sari"

Buddhadeb declined to comment, pointing out that regardless of what he said, Mamta would tear him to pieces, Ratan would act all passive-aggressive, and then his own party would make him eat his words. Asked why his government kept making false promises about returning the land, Buddhadeb declared: “that’s because claims can be retracted but tracts cannot be reclaimed.”

KOHIMA: Intrepid inventor Ramar Pillai stunned the scientific community yet again as he unveiled a gadget which is clearly the holy grail of Computer Science. Called #okia, the compact 8’x3’x1′ gadget easily outsmarted human interrogators in the initial trials. To activate the machine, the user simply punches in a 10 digit numerical code and waits for the question answer session to begin. The gadget employs voice recognition technology and delivers clear audio responses to the questions posed.

Background: Mathematical genius Alan Turing had predicted that by the turn of the century, scientists would build a machine so intelligent that people would think it was actually a human being. For decades, computer scientists struggled with the design, and finally in the 70s, two promising prototypes emerged. Sadly, one consumed large amounts of alcohol, developed a memory leak and became a born-again Christian. The other ran on a polymorphic personality algorithm and took donations from Chinese Buddhists. Both were treated as embarrassing failures.

NAGPUR: After limited success with the Human Gene-om project, the Sangh Parivar is now all set to enter the OS market. Being strong proponents of the open source movement, they are due to release a Swadeshi flavour of Red Hat, likely to be named Khaki Knicker Linux. The OS will adjust its level of user-friendliness based on the user’s browsing patterns and automatically shut down during Rahu Kaala. Home users can download a preview version of the OS from www.temple.com (website still under construction). A class XII student from Haryana who had nothing to do with the development of the OS says “There’s something weird about its FTP client. It has an amazing interface for exporting files but crashes the moment you try to import anything.”

"BJP Nahin, EJB"

(jdk 1.2.1, Swing included)

NAGPUR: What do BJP ideologue Govindacharya’s ‘Study Leave’ and NIIT’s e-certification course have in common? A two year duration? Sahi Jawab! It is reliably learnt that BJP ideologue Govindacharya’s real reason for going on ‘study-leave’ is to catch up on some Java and related technologies like XML, EJB, ASP etc. Speaking on the condition of anonymity, Mr. Khurana said, “People in the party are just not taking him seriously… so he is fed up and wants to explore alternative career options like joining a start-up or something like that. Mr. Naidu has already sent him a bunch of emails recommending some training institutes in Hyderabad.”

Insiders say that Mr. Govindacharya can write bug-free HTML code and adds Meta-tags like a Chanakya. There are wild rumours that he can find out just what you’re thinking by reading your cookies. e-Parivar members are understandably jubilant to to have Mr. Govindacharya on their team. “Govindarcharya’s swadeshi applets will make these stinking multinationals look like a bunch of hello-world programmers”, they say. Legend has it that once Mr.G boots up his PC, no site is secure.

These startling revelations have sparked fresh speculation on the exits of Sushma Swaraj and Uma Bharati as well. Sources say that the ladies have already staged walkouts at several corporate GDs.