Women’s bill still not tabled

21st February 2001
anything a man can do, a woman can do on his behalf

anything a man can do, a woman can do on his behalf

NEW DELHI: In response to the dissatisfaction expressed by irate female MPs, NDA insiders have pointed out that though the bill may not have been tabled, it certainly has been printed, spiral-bound and repeatedly dusted.

Speaking on the condition of ambiguity, Mr. Arun Jaitly (name changed) explained: “A number of MPs have expressed strong reservations regarding the womens reservation bill. So we are setting up a committee to figure out what exactly their reservations are. The bill will be tabled once all the reservations disappear.” The minister however declined to comment on the wee-mens reservation bill forwarded by Mr. PA Sangma.

"what bill?"

"what bill?"

RELATED NEWS: Womens’s Bill Declared Lesbian
LUCKNOW: In a related development, Members of RUMP (Rashtriya United Moral Police) blasted the Womens bill, calling it “positively lesbian” adding, “This bill reflects nothing but an unhealthy obsession that these feminists seem to have with womens issues. Through subversive ideas like egalitarianism and gender equality, these agents of western imperialism are bent on corrupting the Indian ethos.”

UNRELATED NEWS: Women’s Bill Not Paid In Full
CHENNAI: In an almost related development, a prominent Mount Road jeweller has claimed that that the womens bill still has some pending balance. A spokesman of a leading political party was quick to dismiss the jeweller’s claims. “All instalments of the womens bill have been paid, and we have the receipts to prove it. This is a cheap, pusillanimous gimmick by the DMK calculated to obfuscate the issue and perplex the populace with extraneous irrelevancies,” the press release said.

INTERNATIONAL NEWS: Women’s Bill Leaves Office
WASHINGTON D.C: After eight years of repeated tabling, President Bill Clinton bid a tearful farewell to the American people. Dubya, the new occupant of the oval office is widely believed to be more morally-upstanding, though somewhat a Texan. Throughout his campaign Dubya insisted that he would not waste his time screwing around in the White house, but focus on the nation instead.

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Naidu's Controversial Bargraph

Naidu's Controversial Bargraph

HYDERABAD: IT savvy Chief Minister Chandrababu Naidu was involved in yet another heated exchange today as he made a slide-show presentation to opposition members who were demanding his resignation. The presentation was in response to the opposition’s criticism that the state was lagging far behind in food grain production. As Mr. Naidu showed the first slide (a bar graph detailing production trends), the opposition benches seemed to explode with rage. Mr. Naidu told newsmen he had no idea what caused them to behave in such a manner.

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“Stop using Impact” MPs told

29th September 2000
Parliament to have more caps, less impact.

Parliament to have more caps, less impact.

NEW DELHI: Lok Sabha speaker Mr. Balayogi has come down strongly on house members who insist on using Impact to get across their point. “The current trend of using uppercase Impact for dramatic effect is most disturbing. Kindly desist from using it while discussing matters of national importance and confine yourselves to something less obvious like Arial or Times New Roman,” Mr. Balayogi ruled.

Speaking in alternately in Book Antiqua and Goudy Heavyface, CPI(M) leader Mr. Somnath Chatterjee protested that neither Arial nor Times New Roman reflected the true aspirations of the Indian people. “while arial is cold and corporate, times new roman cruelly mocks the masses with its elitist elegance. i submit that only courier new has enough bureaucratic splendour to express the quiet desperation of the indian ethos,” he observed. The speaker then questioned Mr. Chatterjee as to why he was not using capitals for pronouns and while beginning sentences. A defiant Mr. Chatterjee then held up a copy of Das Capital and thundered, “because i’m not a stinking capitalist, thats why”. Pandemonium ensued, with members rushing to the well of the house chanting slogans in Garamond and Tigerteeth. It was then up to Mr. Vajpayee who muttered something witty in Comic Sans MS, provoking peals of laughter even from the opposition benches. Mrs. Sonia Gandhi was heard to titter in Helvetica. The MPs finally adopted a resolution to refrain from using Impact and to be more case sensitive in future.

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