swear i wasn't coked out when i tweeted that shit!
A noiseofindia opinion poll has indicated that the nation is still searching for words with which to thank Mr Lalit Modi for the miraculous tweets that emanated from his twitter account one fine April morning. Shortly after taking out their intended target, the tweets suddenly went rogue, provoking leaks, squealings, and other unthinkable breaches of sleazeball etiquette. All of this has been to the utter dismay of our cricket pimps and to the considerable delight of the public. To his credit, Mr Modi continues to remain upbeat, no doubt a little amazed at the selflessness with which he has served the nation, and also somewhat awed by the prospect of being India’s new poster boy for corporate transparency.
The fallout of Modi’s tweets has been phenomenal. It has led to the outing of “IPLGate,” a scandal that promises to open cans of worms as they fly out of Pandora’s boxes and other apt metaphors. As we go to the wires, IPLGate has already claimed a union minister’s job and cast a cloud over some of India’s biggest names and business houses. There are dark suggestions of wild orgies involving sex, drugs, gambling-syndicates, and possible match-fixing. Mr Modi is likely to be sacked too, though he has, in customary fashion, snorted at the suggestion while betting on it.
Mr Tharoor’s resignation was somewhat delayed as ministry officials quibbled over whether to label IPLGate a “shitstorm” or a “clusterf**k” before they briefed the PM. The PM is said to have taken personal interest in the matter as Tharoor was one of his blue-eyed boys. A sharp dresser whose oratorical skills have often lent the UN an aura of relevance, Mr Tharoor has never let a crisis give him a bad hair day. “Our very own coiffure Annan,” Mr Singh is said to have told George Bush in 2006.
When informed that a certain Ms Sunanda Pushkar, Tharoor’s significant other, had illegally received “sweat equity” from the Kochi franchise, the PM reportedly expressed disbelief at the suggestion that Mr Tharoor could have a significant other. It may be recalled that Mr Tharoor has, of late, been preoccupied with his own medical issues—which might include solipcystic psychosis supervenient on narcisscystic hubrosis (chronic).
Goodnight, tweet prince
Following Mr Modi’s revelations, Ms Pushkar has returned her sweat equity on the grounds that “ladies don’t sweat, they perspire.” Mr Tharoor, as per the PM’s instructions, has resigned from his post. Speaking in Parliament, Mr Tharoor first informed the house that his conscience was clear, and then proceeded to sing praises of the party that was dumping him despite having been provided the aforementioned nugget of information. Shrewdly, he quoted a verse from a Malayali poet, thereby demonstrating to his detractors that what he had in common with Mrs. Sonia Gandhi was something unique and inimitable—namely, an accent that was incontestably weird.
Meanwhile, the public is overjoyed at the windfall and is determined that Modi’s providential tweets get their due. Several online petitions have gone out on social media, demanding a Bharat Ratna for the tweets, and also, if possible, a Borat Ratna for Mr Lalit Modi.
