Agony Aunt counsels BJP

15th September 2009

Agony aunt gives party leaders some tough love, because that’s how they like it!

Q Auntyji, what lessons can we learn from the 2009 elections? – AJ

maskDear AJ, as you know, the BJP’s political strategy is based on the Hollywood blockbuster The Mask (Hindi dub: Mukhota), in which Jim Carrey plays a shapeshifting charmer who gatecrashes parties, wins friends, and realizes all his dreams.

But did you know that there was a sequel to The Mask, in which they tried replacing Jim Carrey with some other actor? I’m guessing you didn’t, because the movie was a colossal dud. Moral of the story is, if you can’t sign up Jim Carrey, don’t bother making the movie.

Q Auntyji, Arun Shourie has compared us to Humpty Dumpty. Is he right? – VN

Dear VN, that depends entirely on what Shourie wants Humpty Dumpty to mean. Perhaps he means someone who Humpties a party and then Dumpties it?

Q Aunty, I’m a young soft-spoken MP who’s just been to jail for making a doctored hate-speech. I got elected by a landslide, but my party is giving me the cold shoulder. What’s going on? Earlier they used to go crazy over such speeches but now they’re looking at me like I farted in the elevator. It’s like the party’s been doctored or something. Anyways, I’m confused about where this party is going. I need answers fast or my mom will drag me to some other party. – Confused

Dear Confused, Yeh andar ki baat hain. You must exercise extreme caution in your choice of underwear. You can pick either desi knickers or designer knickers. Never pick both, or the knickers will bicker. Too many people are wearing Calvin Kleins underneath their VIPs and finding themselves in a tight spot. Others are growing too fat in the party and, horror of horrors, exceeding their briefs. So you should really pick the right knickers. Remember that your party suffers both when it is out of garment and when it is in coalition garment.

Q Dear Auntyji, I’m a senior party functionary. I have forgotten my gmail password. Can you help me? – SS

Dear SS, all party functionaries use the same gmail password. It is “PM2014”

Q Auntyji, there is too much confusion about Hindutva in my party. Please clarify – (anonymous)

(b. 1923)

(b. 1923)

Dear Anonymous, As you must have heard by now, Hinduism is not a religion, it is a way of life. Hindutva, on the other hand, is a religion, not a way of life. Hindutva is the mother-in-law Hinduism got, when it was married off into the parivar. Unlike Hinduism, Hindutva has solid middle-class values and fixed opinions on everything from booze to skimpy clothes to article 377. Naturally, Hindutva frowns on many things Hinduism has been doing for thousands of years.

spindutvaPlease note that “Hindutva” is currently out of fashion because it has few takers outside the parivar. The term has been superseded by “Spindutva,” or integral humanism. Spindutva is lucidly explained by Mr. Sudheendra Kulkarni in his bestseller Spindutva for Dummies. Mr. Kulkarni is an ex-IITian and an expert on calculus. He discusses at length why differential humanism is actually integral humanism.

Q Auntyji, what happened at the recently held Chintan Baithak? – SNC

SNC, contrary to popular belief, BJP leaders did not shy away from a brutally frank assessment of past mistakes. The past was in fact dissected and analyzed threadbare. Every issue was addressed and the necessary corrections made. The past is looking much better now.

Q Auntyji, what is Advaniji’s contribution to Indian politics? – RSP

Dear RSP, Advaniji will be remembered as a man who got on a chariot and spent months galvanizing the masses to do something that took him entirely by surprise.

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Inspired by the IPL, the major news channels have decided to auction off their high-value assets to ride out the recession. Reputed auditing firm Ricewaterspouse has already assessed the anchors and submitted a detailed report to Lalit Modi. Don’t ask us how we laid our grubby hands on page 1 of this confidential report. Just dim your screens and read silently.

TOP SECRET & CONFIDENTIAL
(SECURITY LEVEL: mouse cursor on minimize button)

Media assets under consideration

ANCHORS

anc_rajdeep

“I’m your soulmate. I complete your sentences, don’t I?”


NAME: Rajdeep “pointus interruptus” Sardesai

SIGNATURE STYLE: Bark excitedly at faces on a giant screen.

USP: Appeals to a wide demographic; incredibly popular with Pomeranians.

CREDO: Create a channel out of thin air, then sustain it on hot air.

EXECUTIVE SUMMARY: Rajdeep’s fanatical commitment to the sound of his own voice has the effect of rendering his guests speechless. Gone are the days when politicians leisurely dangled their modifiers and flaunted their participles while cunningly hiding their main clauses in labyrinths of disclaimers. Today, they hurriedly pack all their meaning into the first half of every sentence. Because once they reach mid-sentence

anc_sagarika

Does every question in the universe have a Y or N answer? Y-73% N-27%

NAME: Sagarika “faze the nation” Ghose

SIGNATURE STYLE: Maddening high-pitched harangue.

USP: Wields voice with operatic prowess. Can go ultrasonic and sense your location using sonar.

CREDO: Oversimplify or perish.

EXECUTIVE SUMMARY: Knows that India is a nation teeming with objective-type questions. Just SMS QOTD Y or N. There is no negative marking. If you’re a guest, keep it short. If you veer off-script, Sagarika will provide a heart-stoppingly unrecognizable summary of whatever you just said. High on sartorial consistency, sleeves match attention span.

"See the putty in my hands? That's you, dear viewer."

“See the putty in my hands? That’s you, dear viewer.”

NAME: Barkha “she the people” Dutt

SIGNATURE STYLE: Let’s give them something to fight about.

USP: Never ashamed to TeaR uP on camera.

CREDO: Have heartstring, will yank.

EXECUTIVE SUMMARY: If you’re a guest on her talk show, she will find your raw nerve and sandpaper it till you cry. And then she will cry with you till the ratings go wild. It’s like watching Jerry Springer and Oprah at the same time. As a war correspondent, she will brave gunfire and artillery shells, but not unfriendly blogs. If you so much as suggest that she put soldiers in harm’s way, she will make a Cheytanya Kunte out of you (go ahead, google the poor wretch). Currently anchors a show where the buck stops, but certainly not the bak bak.

anc_arnab

For every fact, there is an equal and opposite opinion


NAME: Arnab “the evangelist” Goswami

SIGNATURE STYLE: Incandescent moral outrage of the omniscient admonisher.

USP: Can unleash a 60-minute sermon while pretending to interview 5 guests.

CREDO: The apocalypse is upon us. Follow me.

EXECUTIVE SUMMARY: In an industry obsessed with objectivity and balance, Arnab comes as a breath of fresh air. In a nation obsessed with humility and wisdom, Arnab comes as a breath of fresh air. Every evening, Arnab’s forensic pyrotechnics make you question the need for a judicial system in a nation equipped with television studios. A man of destiny, Arnab knows that he will one day save the world. Not surprisingly, he dresses like Clark Kent.


LEGACY STAFF

anc_karan

“I’m Socrates. You’re a gorgeous Athenian lad.”

NAME: Karan Thapar

SIGNATURE STYLE: Nitpick. Nitpick. Nitpick.

USP: Extremely well connected.

CREDO: The privilege is all yours.

EXECUTIVE SUMMARY: Talking to Thapar is the verbal equivalent of getting a colonoscopy. Not recommended unless medically necessary, and never to be attempted in public. Typical interview fragment:

Thapar: You’re not saying “yes”…. so does that mean you’re saying “no”?
Guest: Not exactly.
Thapar: Ok so you’re saying “not exactly”….. Does that mean a “not exactly yes” or a “not exactly no”?
Guest: I’m saying neither.
Thapar (narrowing his eyes): So you’re not saying “yes”, you’re not saying “no”, you’re not saying “not exactly yes”, and you’re not saying “not exactly no”… Would that be a correct assessment of what you’re saying?
Guest: I suppose so.
Thapar: You just contradicted yourself! A moment ago you were absolutely certain and now you’re no longer sure.
Guest: Well that’s because-
Thapar: Thank you. It’s been a pleasure talking to you.

anc_shekar

“tell me honestly… didn’t you think Skylab would fall on your head?”

NAME: Shekhar Gupta

SIGNATURE STYLE: Obscure 80s nostalgia.

USP: Frighteningly well connected.

CREDO: Let’s Walk the Talk. You walkie, me talkie.

EXECUTIVE SUMMARY: Walks and talks with VIPs so VVIP that they won’t be caught dead near a television studio. Is the most hilariously inattentive interviewer in the industry. Typical interview fragment:

Shekhar: So tell me about your strained relations with Pranab Mukherjee.
Chidambaram: As I was saying, last Sunday I had had just about enough of his nonsense. So I-
Shekhar: You mean the PM?
Chidambaram: Not the PM. Pranab Mukherjee. So as I was saying, I went up to him and told him to take a flying
Shekhar: I remember during Rajiv Gandhi’s time you were criticized for fixing the price of tea.

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nano

SINGUR: Senior TATA engineers are examining a daring new proposal that enables the creation of new land practically out of thin air. The proposal exploits a law of trigonometry according to which any length of land can be doubled by simply giving it a 60 degree slope. In other words, a sloped landfill on the undisputed 500 acres will be more than sufficient to house the entire project. Also, given the steep incline, engineers  expect a much quicker rollout of the Nano.

"who's your didi?"

"who's your didi?"

When reached for comment, Mamta Banerjee accused the West Bengal government of dodging the problem by trying to arrive at a solution. “Ratan and Buddhadeb keep talking about a compensation package in exchange for the acquired land. We have no interest whatsoever in any package that endangers the survival of the problem” she said.

"blimey!"

"blimey!"

Ratan Tata lay glumly on the couch, flipping through an old issue of Cosmo. His face seemed to brighten when he got an SMS from Buddhadeb, but the news was bad. Mamta was still rousing the rabble. Ratan sat up and speed-dialled the CM: “But Buddha, you said I could have the land… a promise is a promise.” Buddhadeb appeared to feign a network problem and quickly hung up. Ratan then fixed his eyes dreamily on the horizon and told the gathered pressmen, “I promise to get the hell out of West Bengal… and there will be no turning back… a promise is a promise”. Angels wept.

"We're dealing with Genghis Khan in a cotton sari"

"We're dealing with Genghis Khan in a cotton sari"

Buddhadeb declined to comment, pointing out that regardless of what he said, Mamta would tear him to pieces, Ratan would act all passive-aggressive, and then his own party would make him eat his words. Asked why his government kept making false promises about returning the land, Buddhadeb declared: “that’s because claims can be retracted but tracts cannot be reclaimed.”

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If you know him, you will be sorry

If you know him, you will be sorry

MUMBAI: A survey has found that 63% of Mumbai residents are stricken with the guilt of having unwittingly offended Mr. Raj Thackeray. The guilt is producing severe psychosomatic symptoms including delirium, constipation, and Senophobia.

Raj-Guilt has hit public personalities particularly hard. Many wake up in the middle of the night and sob uncontrollably, causing their worried spouses to boot up and blog uncontrollably. A senior police officer confesses: “The guilt got so acute I wanted to file an FIR against myself. I put myself under surveillance and found out I was a closet Thackerophobe. Imagine living in Mumbai and hating the Thackerays… that’s like hating the sweetness in the sugar, the wetness in the water, the jaundice in the Panipuri. I’m now in rehab, learning to love Raj for the tremendous lack of violence he has shown me.”

However, not everyone is complaining. Some are actually enjoying the guilt-trip – and want to take their apology to the next level. Said a filthy rich industrialist who likes to wear leather and crawl on all fours: “What’s the point in making an apology if you don’t get the punishment? I want to grovel before him and say sorry so abjectly I lose my last shred of dignity. Then I want him to abuse me in naughty Marathi and spank me real hard. MNS… S&M… it’s all the same thing!”

Greeting-card manufacturers are laughing all the way to the bank. Mushy cards that begin with “I’m so sorry Raj”, “Mee chuklo, Malaa maaf kara”, and “My deepest apologies, dear nephew” are flying off the shelves at Archies and Hallmark outlets, all of which are just a stone’s throw from the local MNS office.

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Naidu's Controversial Bargraph

Naidu's Controversial Bargraph

HYDERABAD: IT savvy Chief Minister Chandrababu Naidu was involved in yet another heated exchange today as he made a slide-show presentation to opposition members who were demanding his resignation. The presentation was in response to the opposition’s criticism that the state was lagging far behind in food grain production. As Mr. Naidu showed the first slide (a bar graph detailing production trends), the opposition benches seemed to explode with rage. Mr. Naidu told newsmen he had no idea what caused them to behave in such a manner.

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