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29th January 2010
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Chetan Braggart: Bolly, isme credit nahin hain daali!

Aamir Cannes: Arre baba, why ask for credit when I haven’t even read it?

Chetan Braggart: Bolly, isme credit nahin hain daali!

Aamir Cannes: Chetan, you’re being greedy for publicity. Don’t be that way. Be a true artist…. learn from me… I crave nothing more than unemployment and obscurity. The success of QSQT totally ruined me… which is why, as everybody knows, I’m on this heroic quest for anonymity. I wear disguises and disappear from the public gaze until the media accidentally (and somehow, unerringly) discovers me. You should really try it out. Just wear a disguise and disappear for a while. Now is a good time actually.

Chetan Braggart: Spare me your BS. Btw I don’t need your publicity. I’m already fabulously famous. I’m India’s most read author after ML Khanna for IIT JEE Mathematics.

Vinu Vidhu Vici: Media people, stop covering Chetan. He is an evil man and more importantly, not a celeb. Also media, shut up.

Arnab Grosswami: WTF! I mean, WTF!!! How dare you insult the media! Apologize Mofo!

Vinu Vidhu Vici: Sorry media.

Arnab Grosswami: Abjectly, grovelingly! And this time with your mouth full!

Vinu Vidhu Vici: Sorry media. I behaved like a jackass on live television. Even my kid said to me, “dad, how could you be such a jackass on live TV?” etc. etc. Sorry media.

Arnab Grosswami: Hmm… that’ll do. Anyway thx Vinu, I badly needed to vent – and there was no Ravi Shankar Prasad or Manish Tiwari or Pak military on the show today.

Vinu Vidhu Vici: My pleasure Arnab. Now media, here’s the scoop of the decade: I paid Chetan full advance! I paid that man full bonus!

Chetan Braggart: Listen dimwit Balika Vidhu, I’m not talking about money. I’m talking about credit. Not screenplay credit, but story credit. Btw media, did you know that Vinu thinks you’re all semi-literate morons? Shit, I was so appalled when he said that… I don’t think you guys are semi-literate at all. Anyway media, don’t be Forrest Gumps playing ping pong. Just read my book and watch the movie. You’ll find that 3 Idiots is 70.0126% based on my book Five Point Someone.

Aamir Cannes: My point exactly… 70% of FPS =  3.5 Someone… it’s a totally different book! LOL weak joke, I know :D. Btw thx for promoting my movie x0x0x0. I heard your book’s sales have massively surged too. I won’t be buying a copy though… Reading is not my scene… pages are non-reflective surfaces.

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Himesh gets nose job, loses voice

27th September 2008
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MUMBAI: Unable to pull through a risky surgical procedure, playback singer Himesh Reshammiya’s nose has been rendered voiceless. Eminent plastic-surgeon JJ Tinkerwalla spent the whole night trying to revive the voice, until Himesh uttered the dreaded words: “Doctor, I think I can smell again.”

Tinkerwalla – in whose dexterous hands many a nose has blossomed into stardom – laments the lack of moderation in today’s singers: “The noses of yesteryear had subtlety. Mukesh’s nose, for example, oozed class and dripped melody. Now you have this vulgar race to own the tightest nose. A surgeon can only achieve so much with industrial clamps.”

Himesh’s meteoric rise began after a Bollywood producer discovered the singer’s talent in a mall restroom. Says the producer: “We were seated in adjacent cubicles and I happened to hear this ethereal twang. My bowels emptied in an instant – it was like an enema from heaven! Himesh is what you call a classical bathroom singer – he was allowed to sing only in bathrooms. Then one day, owing to some particularly noxious odours, Himesh had to hold his nose while he sang. The effect was electric. A star was born.”

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MUMBAI: Top bollywood Music directors today went into hiding after hearing news that the govt was cracking down on piracy in the film industry. Seeing the industry come to a standstill, an alarmed I&B ministry issued a clarification stating that the crackdown was only aimed at cable operators. “We’d like to clarify that it is not our intention to harass our esteemed bollywood musicians by imposing professional hurdles like originality on them”, said a spokesman.

In related news, the Mumbai underworld has praised the government for cracking down on Cable and going the extra mile to protect their investments.

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Shilpa Shetty changes name

15th September 2000

MUMBAI: Well known bollywood siren Shilpa Shetty announced at a packed press conference that she would soon be changing her name following consultations with her numerologist. Replying to a query, Ms Shilpa said “My colleagues kept saying arre yaar… meet this numerologist – he will fix up your career. Only after meeting Mr. Shastri did I realize how badly my name was getting me down in this industry”. Noiseofindia has learnt that the change is to be very minimal – with just the first syllable being exchanged between her first and last names.

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