If you know him, you will be sorry
MUMBAI: A survey has found that 63% of Mumbai residents are stricken with the guilt of having unwittingly offended Mr. Raj Thackeray. The guilt is producing severe psychosomatic symptoms including delirium, constipation, and Senophobia.
Raj-Guilt has hit public personalities particularly hard. Many wake up in the middle of the night and sob uncontrollably, causing their worried spouses to boot up and blog uncontrollably. A senior police officer confesses: “The guilt got so acute I wanted to file an FIR against myself. I put myself under surveillance and found out I was a closet Thackerophobe. Imagine living in Mumbai and hating the Thackerays… that’s like hating the sweetness in the sugar, the wetness in the water, the jaundice in the Panipuri. I’m now in rehab, learning to love Raj for the tremendous lack of violence he has shown me.”
However, not everyone is complaining. Some are actually enjoying the guilt-trip – and want to take their apology to the next level. Said a filthy rich industrialist who likes to wear leather and crawl on all fours: “What’s the point in making an apology if you don’t get the punishment? I want to grovel before him and say sorry so abjectly I lose my last shred of dignity. Then I want him to abuse me in naughty Marathi and spank me real hard. MNS… S&M… it’s all the same thing!”
Greeting-card manufacturers are laughing all the way to the bank. Mushy cards that begin with “I’m so sorry Raj”, “Mee chuklo, Malaa maaf kara”, and “My deepest apologies, dear nephew” are flying off the shelves at Archies and Hallmark outlets, all of which are just a stone’s throw from the local MNS office.
Masand displays his liver, where the bile is produced
NEW DELHI: Self-styled movie critic Rajiv Masand stunned viewers last night by launching a blistering attack against his own show.
Declaring that the vacuousness of his reviews was matched only by the pomposity of their delivery, Masand wondered how anyone could take him seriously after his review of Michael Clayton, which, “were it not so depressingly bereft of critical engagement, may have charmed with the jejune brio of its bumptiousness.”
Pulled up by Rajdeep for having ridiculed one of the channel’s most high-brow offerings, Masand blamed his liver, where most of his thoughts, feelings and adjectives originate. “Last night my liver was working overtime and my body was making more puke than the movies could handle. I had to find something else to hurl on.” he claimed.
hear it?
MUMBAI: Unable to pull through a risky surgical procedure, playback singer Himesh Reshammiya’s nose has been rendered voiceless. Eminent plastic-surgeon JJ Tinkerwalla spent the whole night trying to revive the voice, until Himesh uttered the dreaded words: “Doctor, I think I can smell again.”
Tinkerwalla – in whose dexterous hands many a nose has blossomed into stardom – laments the lack of moderation in today’s singers: “The noses of yesteryear had subtlety. Mukesh’s nose, for example, oozed class and dripped melody. Now you have this vulgar race to own the tightest nose. A surgeon can only achieve so much with industrial clamps.”
Himesh’s meteoric rise began after a Bollywood producer discovered the singer’s talent in a mall restroom. Says the producer: “We were seated in adjacent cubicles and I happened to hear this ethereal twang. My bowels emptied in an instant – it was like an enema from heaven! Himesh is what you call a classical bathroom singer – he was allowed to sing only in bathrooms. Then one day, owing to some particularly noxious odours, Himesh had to hold his nose while he sang. The effect was electric. A star was born.”
A recent study has revealed a glaring digital-divide. Respondents from North-Indian cities seem to have better access to internet infrastructure than their south Indian counterparts (see chart). Even more startling, this Online Poll revealed that 100% of the respondents had used the internet at least once.
anything a man can do, a woman can do on his behalf
NEW DELHI: In response to the dissatisfaction expressed by irate female MPs, NDA insiders have pointed out that though the bill may not have been tabled, it certainly has been printed, spiral-bound and repeatedly dusted.
Speaking on the condition of ambiguity, Mr. Arun Jaitly (name changed) explained: “A number of MPs have expressed strong reservations regarding the womens reservation bill. So we are setting up a committee to figure out what exactly their reservations are. The bill will be tabled once all the reservations disappear.” The minister however declined to comment on the wee-mens reservation bill forwarded by Mr. PA Sangma.
"what bill?"
RELATED NEWS: Womens’s Bill Declared Lesbian
LUCKNOW: In a related development, Members of RUMP (Rashtriya United Moral Police) blasted the Womens bill, calling it “positively lesbian” adding, “This bill reflects nothing but an unhealthy obsession that these feminists seem to have with womens issues. Through subversive ideas like egalitarianism and gender equality, these agents of western imperialism are bent on corrupting the Indian ethos.”
UNRELATED NEWS: Women’s Bill Not Paid In Full
CHENNAI: In an almost related development, a prominent Mount Road jeweller has claimed that that the womens bill still has some pending balance. A spokesman of a leading political party was quick to dismiss the jeweller’s claims. “All instalments of the womens bill have been paid, and we have the receipts to prove it. This is a cheap, pusillanimous gimmick by the DMK calculated to obfuscate the issue and perplex the populace with extraneous irrelevancies,” the press release said.
INTERNATIONAL NEWS: Women’s Bill Leaves Office
WASHINGTON D.C: After eight years of repeated tabling, President Bill Clinton bid a tearful farewell to the American people. Dubya, the new occupant of the oval office is widely believed to be more morally-upstanding, though somewhat a Texan. Throughout his campaign Dubya insisted that he would not waste his time screwing around in the White house, but focus on the nation instead.
