Masand displays his liver, where the bile is produced

Masand displays his liver, where the bile is produced

NEW DELHI: Self-styled movie critic Rajiv Masand stunned viewers last night by launching a blistering attack against his own show.

Declaring that the vacuousness of his reviews was matched only by the pomposity of their delivery, Masand wondered how anyone could take him seriously after his review of Michael Clayton, which, “were it not so depressingly bereft of critical engagement, may have charmed with the jejune brio of its bumptiousness.”

Pulled up by Rajdeep for having ridiculed one of the channel’s most high-brow offerings, Masand blamed his liver, where most of his thoughts, feelings and adjectives originate. “Last night my liver was working overtime and my body was making more puke than the movies could handle. I had to find something else to hurl on.” he claimed.

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Himesh gets nose job, loses voice

27th September 2008
himesh

hear it?

MUMBAI: Unable to pull through a risky surgical procedure, playback singer Himesh Reshammiya’s nose has been rendered voiceless. Eminent plastic-surgeon JJ Tinkerwalla spent the whole night trying to revive the voice, until Himesh uttered the dreaded words: “Doctor, I think I can smell again.”

Tinkerwalla – in whose dexterous hands many a nose has blossomed into stardom – laments the lack of moderation in today’s singers: “The noses of yesteryear had subtlety. Mukesh’s nose, for example, oozed class and dripped melody. Now you have this vulgar race to own the tightest nose. A surgeon can only achieve so much with industrial clamps.”

Himesh’s meteoric rise began after a Bollywood producer discovered the singer’s talent in a mall restroom. Says the producer: “We were seated in adjacent cubicles and I happened to hear this ethereal twang. My bowels emptied in an instant – it was like an enema from heaven! Himesh is what you call a classical bathroom singer – he was allowed to sing only in bathrooms. Then one day, owing to some particularly noxious odours, Himesh had to hold his nose while he sang. The effect was electric. A star was born.”

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eskillsA recent study has revealed a glaring digital-divide. Respondents from North-Indian cities seem to have better access to internet infrastructure than their south Indian counterparts (see chart). Even more startling, this Online Poll revealed that 100% of the respondents had used the internet at least once.

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Women’s bill still not tabled

21st February 2001
anything a man can do, a woman can do on his behalf

anything a man can do, a woman can do on his behalf

NEW DELHI: In response to the dissatisfaction expressed by irate female MPs, NDA insiders have pointed out that though the bill may not have been tabled, it certainly has been printed, spiral-bound and repeatedly dusted.

Speaking on the condition of ambiguity, Mr. Arun Jaitly (name changed) explained: “A number of MPs have expressed strong reservations regarding the womens reservation bill. So we are setting up a committee to figure out what exactly their reservations are. The bill will be tabled once all the reservations disappear.” The minister however declined to comment on the wee-mens reservation bill forwarded by Mr. PA Sangma.

"what bill?"

"what bill?"

RELATED NEWS: Womens’s Bill Declared Lesbian
LUCKNOW: In a related development, Members of RUMP (Rashtriya United Moral Police) blasted the Womens bill, calling it “positively lesbian” adding, “This bill reflects nothing but an unhealthy obsession that these feminists seem to have with womens issues. Through subversive ideas like egalitarianism and gender equality, these agents of western imperialism are bent on corrupting the Indian ethos.”

UNRELATED NEWS: Women’s Bill Not Paid In Full
CHENNAI: In an almost related development, a prominent Mount Road jeweller has claimed that that the womens bill still has some pending balance. A spokesman of a leading political party was quick to dismiss the jeweller’s claims. “All instalments of the womens bill have been paid, and we have the receipts to prove it. This is a cheap, pusillanimous gimmick by the DMK calculated to obfuscate the issue and perplex the populace with extraneous irrelevancies,” the press release said.

INTERNATIONAL NEWS: Women’s Bill Leaves Office
WASHINGTON D.C: After eight years of repeated tabling, President Bill Clinton bid a tearful farewell to the American people. Dubya, the new occupant of the oval office is widely believed to be more morally-upstanding, though somewhat a Texan. Throughout his campaign Dubya insisted that he would not waste his time screwing around in the White house, but focus on the nation instead.

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Optimist allays fears

21st February 2001
A scientist verifies that the test-tube is indeed half-full

A scientist verifies that the test-tube is indeed half-full

KOLKOTA: Speaking excitedly at the Institute for the Pathologically Upbeat, well known optimist Mr. B.S Pande allayed the fears of the general public on sundry issues like global warming, earthquakes, asteroid hits and the dot-com meltdown. “Don’t worry, its just not going to happen,” he said amidst cheerful applause and much rejoicing. Says a new convert at the archaeological survey of India: “Mr. Pande is cleaning the Augean stables of probabilistic science with his breezy optimism. People like him are generally sneered at by the scientific community, which is dominated by nitpicking marxists and nosepicking nihilists. But mark my words, Pande will usher in a new era of feel-good science.”

OPTIMISM: A THEORETICAL BASIS
(abstracted from Mr. Pande’s paper on Advanced Circular Logic)

The optimist starts with the axiom “X will not happen,” where X belongs to the set of conceivable calamities.

Theorem:
For all S belonging to the set of random trouble-mongers who claim that a specific event e is equal to X, there exists a Y such that the optimist can exclaim:”You call this an X? why, this is nothing but a Y!” where Y is a comically attenuated version of X.

For example, if S=subramanyam swamy, e=Chernobyl and X=Nuclear Fallout, the optimist will lazily substitue Y=Sunburn. A tone of gentle, patronising astonishment is recommended for the optimist. As for the infallibility of the theory, Scientists at TIFR were in jubilant agreement, some even calling it a “SeXY theorem”.

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