(Viewership expressed in TRP, GRP, BURP, and other indicators of gastric discomfort)

(Viewership expressed in TRP, GRP, BURP, and other indicators of gastric discomfort)

Bangalore: Senior scientists at the IISc have expressed alarm at the uncontrolled proliferation of TV channels claiming maximum viewership.

Scientists at the IISc are like, WTF. They point out that in any given universe, one and only one TV channel can be the most viewed at standard temperature and pressure.

Wave particle duality
Malayalee particle physicist Prof. Unnikrishnan has blamed this anomaly on the wave-particle duality of electrons, due to which a single electron can seem to be at two different places at the same time. “So imagine what happens when zillions of electrons are beamed at you through your television set. Obviously, you’d be watching several different channels at the same time. This explains how all the news channels have identical ratings.”

Parallel Universe theory
Bengali Astrophysicists Prof. Bose and Dr. Ghose have ridiculed Prof. Unni’s theory, saying that it begins with an anomaly and ends up with an anomalayalee. Bose & Ghose claim that it is a mistake to think that we live in a single universe with multiple TV channels. According to them, each TV channel is a full-fledged parallel universe with its own set of laws and award ceremonies. The viewers exist in remote zones from where they use their remotes to switch between the TV universes. Naturally, each TV channel enjoys total viewership within its own universe, just like DD continues to, with Krishi Darshan.

When reached for comment, Unni refuted the Bengali theory, saying that two Bongs don’t make a right.

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"right justify your om-page!"

"right justify your om-page!"

Ad-vani, the most clicked online Ad in Indian political history, was formally sworn in as India’s online PM on an undisclosed google server. The ceremony was witnessed by hundreds of online ads including Jet Airways, bharat matrimony and Dominos Pizza.

Security was tight, and all the ads had to pass through a firewall before being ushered into the RAM area. The installation went off smoothly, despite some angry heckling by the RAM’s step-motherboard and Dravidian parties raking up the south-bridge issue.

Later, addressing a gathering of RSS feeds, Ad-vani vowed to focus on core ideological issues like Bangladeshi spam and bovine intercourse on the Discovery channel. He noted that the party was currently going through its worst phase of Rahul-kaala.

Next, logging on to Facebook, he lustily superpoked Manmohan Singh and invited him to a game of pseudo-ku. He ignored Uma Bharati’s friend request and banged his head on Sudheendra Kulkarni’s wall. On Orkut he deleted Varun Gandhi’s scraps and posted a video of him deleting Varun Gandhi’s scraps. Finally, sensing the restlessness of the youth, he tweeted: “from now on, no more Mandir, only Mandira.”

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chiddusolution

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nano

SINGUR: Senior TATA engineers are examining a daring new proposal that enables the creation of new land practically out of thin air. The proposal exploits a law of trigonometry according to which any length of land can be doubled by simply giving it a 60 degree slope. In other words, a sloped landfill on the undisputed 500 acres will be more than sufficient to house the entire project. Also, given the steep incline, engineers  expect a much quicker rollout of the Nano.

"who's your didi?"

"who's your didi?"

When reached for comment, Mamta Banerjee accused the West Bengal government of dodging the problem by trying to arrive at a solution. “Ratan and Buddhadeb keep talking about a compensation package in exchange for the acquired land. We have no interest whatsoever in any package that endangers the survival of the problem” she said.

"blimey!"

"blimey!"

Ratan Tata lay glumly on the couch, flipping through an old issue of Cosmo. His face seemed to brighten when he got an SMS from Buddhadeb, but the news was bad. Mamta was still rousing the rabble. Ratan sat up and speed-dialled the CM: “But Buddha, you said I could have the land… a promise is a promise.” Buddhadeb appeared to feign a network problem and quickly hung up. Ratan then fixed his eyes dreamily on the horizon and told the gathered pressmen, “I promise to get the hell out of West Bengal… and there will be no turning back… a promise is a promise”. Angels wept.

"We're dealing with Genghis Khan in a cotton sari"

"We're dealing with Genghis Khan in a cotton sari"

Buddhadeb declined to comment, pointing out that regardless of what he said, Mamta would tear him to pieces, Ratan would act all passive-aggressive, and then his own party would make him eat his words. Asked why his government kept making false promises about returning the land, Buddhadeb declared: “that’s because claims can be retracted but tracts cannot be reclaimed.”

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If you know him, you will be sorry

If you know him, you will be sorry

MUMBAI: A survey has found that 63% of Mumbai residents are stricken with the guilt of having unwittingly offended Mr. Raj Thackeray. The guilt is producing severe psychosomatic symptoms including delirium, constipation, and Senophobia.

Raj-Guilt has hit public personalities particularly hard. Many wake up in the middle of the night and sob uncontrollably, causing their worried spouses to boot up and blog uncontrollably. A senior police officer confesses: “The guilt got so acute I wanted to file an FIR against myself. I put myself under surveillance and found out I was a closet Thackerophobe. Imagine living in Mumbai and hating the Thackerays… that’s like hating the sweetness in the sugar, the wetness in the water, the jaundice in the Panipuri. I’m now in rehab, learning to love Raj for the tremendous lack of violence he has shown me.”

However, not everyone is complaining. Some are actually enjoying the guilt-trip – and want to take their apology to the next level. Said a filthy rich industrialist who likes to wear leather and crawl on all fours: “What’s the point in making an apology if you don’t get the punishment? I want to grovel before him and say sorry so abjectly I lose my last shred of dignity. Then I want him to abuse me in naughty Marathi and spank me real hard. MNS… S&M… it’s all the same thing!”

Greeting-card manufacturers are laughing all the way to the bank. Mushy cards that begin with “I’m so sorry Raj”, “Mee chuklo, Malaa maaf kara”, and “My deepest apologies, dear nephew” are flying off the shelves at Archies and Hallmark outlets, all of which are just a stone’s throw from the local MNS office.

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