Gandhians Almost Enraged

2nd October 2009

Saving India from penury

Saving India from penury

SABARMATI ASHRAM: Top Gandhians nearly lost their composure as they heard of luxury-pen maker Mo’Bling’s plans to sell a Mahatma pen for a whopping 17,000 Euros. Recovering quickly, the Gandhians tendered an unconditional apology to Mo’Bling, expressing regret for thinking slightly violent thoughts about the company. Mo’Bling is however keen to keep the Gandhians pacified. As a goodwill gesture, the company will recreate Gandhi’s epochal 1930 walk by having the 241 owners of the limited-edition pens take out a dandy march.
 
Not amused by Mo’Bling’s audacious foray into Gandhi-grunge, ethnic wear giant Drabindia has already issued a strongly-worded fashion statement. Defending the luxury-pen, a spokesman for Mo’Bling said: “This pen is just a small step in our tireless search for innovative ways to reference the Mahatma. Do watch out for our forthcoming launches – the Sabarmati Enema and the Nathuram Semi-automatic.”
 
Meanwhile, the first Gandhi pen has already been misplaced at an SBI Branch in Kannur. The disconsolate victim said: “as usual, some guy borrowed it to fill in his DD and I forgot all about it.” The entire branch observed a two-minute silence to mark the occasion.

Tharoor’s Tweets Neutered

23rd September 2009

austerity is.. saying it in 140 characters

austerity is.. saying it in 140 characters

NEW DELHI: MoS External Affairs and self-described humanitarian Mr Shashi Tharoor has vehemently denied rumours that the party high command has asked him to vacate his twitter account with immediate effect. To prove the point, Mr Tharoor began tweeting within hours of leaving 10 Janpath.
 

But India’s top tweeters are far from impressed. Said a powertweeter who wished to remain anonymous: “I’ve been monitoring @ohshitharoor’s tweets since yesterday morning and I can say without hesitation that something is certainly amiss here.” The tweeter refused to elaborate since he had already reached his 140 character limit.
 
Mr Tharoor’s trip to Liberia, it is rumored, suffered from a similar mania for terseness. Ministry officials have complained that most of their time was taken up in paring down gigantic business contracts to crisp, 140-character capsules. “Thank God for bit.ly or we’d have been totally sunk” said a contractor contracted to contract contracts.

Mischievous tweeters had a field day, baiting Mr Tharoor with questions like “so are you going to bomb the Chinkies this time?” etc. Sources tell us that Mr Tharoor was fairly bubbling with jests and had to be manually restrained from responding.

Rubbishing reports that he’d been given a severe dressing down at 10 Janpath, Mr Tharoor said that it was merely a courtesy call, at the end of which he’d even exchanged gifts with the Gandhis. When asked what gift he had received, he said, “Nothing much, just Rs. 500 and a transistor radio.”

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Agony Aunt counsels BJP

15th September 2009

Agony aunt gives party leaders some tough love, because that’s how they like it!

Q Auntyji, what lessons can we learn from the 2009 elections? – AJ

maskDear AJ, as you know, the BJP’s political strategy is based on the Hollywood blockbuster The Mask (Hindi dub: Mukhota), in which Jim Carrey plays a shapeshifting charmer who gatecrashes parties, wins friends, and realizes all his dreams.

But did you know that there was a sequel to The Mask, in which they tried replacing Jim Carrey with some other actor? I’m guessing you didn’t, because the movie was a colossal dud. Moral of the story is, if you can’t sign up Jim Carrey, don’t bother making the movie.

Q Auntyji, Arun Shourie has compared us to Humpty Dumpty. Is he right? – VN

Dear VN, that depends entirely on what Shourie wants Humpty Dumpty to mean. Perhaps he means someone who Humpties a party and then Dumpties it?

Q Aunty, I’m a young soft-spoken MP who’s just been to jail for making a doctored hate-speech. I got elected by a landslide, but my party is giving me the cold shoulder. What’s going on? Earlier they used to go crazy over such speeches but now they’re looking at me like I farted in the elevator. It’s like the party’s been doctored or something. Anyways, I’m confused about where this party is going. I need answers fast or my mom will drag me to some other party. – Confused

Dear Confused, Yeh andar ki baat hain. You must exercise extreme caution in your choice of underwear. You can pick either desi knickers or designer knickers. Never pick both, or the knickers will bicker. Too many people are wearing Calvin Kleins underneath their VIPs and finding themselves in a tight spot. Others are growing too fat in the party and, horror of horrors, exceeding their briefs. So you should really pick the right knickers. Remember that your party suffers both when it is out of garment and when it is in coalition garment.

Q Dear Auntyji, I’m a senior party functionary. I have forgotten my gmail password. Can you help me? – SS

Dear SS, all party functionaries use the same gmail password. It is “PM2014”

Q Auntyji, there is too much confusion about Hindutva in my party. Please clarify – (anonymous)

(b. 1923)

(b. 1923)

Dear Anonymous, As you must have heard by now, Hinduism is not a religion, it is a way of life. Hindutva, on the other hand, is a religion, not a way of life. Hindutva is the mother-in-law Hinduism got, when it was married off into the parivar. Unlike Hinduism, Hindutva has solid middle-class values and fixed opinions on everything from booze to skimpy clothes to article 377. Naturally, Hindutva frowns on many things Hinduism has been doing for thousands of years.

spindutvaPlease note that “Hindutva” is currently out of fashion because it has few takers outside the parivar. The term has been superseded by “Spindutva,” or integral humanism. Spindutva is lucidly explained by Mr. Sudheendra Kulkarni in his bestseller Spindutva for Dummies. Mr. Kulkarni is an ex-IITian and an expert on calculus. He discusses at length why differential humanism is actually integral humanism.

Q Auntyji, what happened at the recently held Chintan Baithak? – SNC

SNC, contrary to popular belief, BJP leaders did not shy away from a brutally frank assessment of past mistakes. The past was in fact dissected and analyzed threadbare. Every issue was addressed and the necessary corrections made. The past is looking much better now.

Q Auntyji, what is Advaniji’s contribution to Indian politics? – RSP

Dear RSP, Advaniji will be remembered as a man who got on a chariot and spent months galvanizing the masses to do something that took him entirely by surprise.

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Follow the Health Minister on Titter and get Swine Flu… updates!

titter_nubbyazz

media spreading panic again. they should influenza public opinion in postive way. LOL

about 6 hours ago from web

titter_spacer

@rajthakks sorry brother, its not possible to ban swine flu in maharashtra.

3:30 PM Aug 14th from web
titter_spacer

@chiddams joke for u – militant consumer group planning attacks on medical shops. group is called LTT – liberation tigers of tamiflu. ROTFL!!!

2:54 PM Aug 14th from web
titter_spacer

@rajthakks arre baba, pls stop threatening to kick bollywood in the multiplexus.

2:13 PM Aug 14th from web
titter_spacer

total chaos at US consulate. ppl demanding H1N1 test at H1B counter. I feel sad. when will we Indians learn to stand in the right queue?

1:45 PM Aug 14th from web
titter_spacer

teasing Pranabda. I told him I want Finance and he can take Health. He asked how we can exchange? I said because health is wealth! LOL!!!

1:36 PM Aug 14th from web
titter_spacer

@rajthakks joke for u – H1N1 spreading faster and shutting down more places in mumbai than MNS. ur career is over. LOL

1:30 PM Aug 14th from web
titter_spacer

Inspired by the IPL, the major news channels have decided to auction off their high-value assets to ride out the recession. Reputed auditing firm Ricewaterspouse has already assessed the anchors and submitted a detailed report to Lalit Modi. Don’t ask us how we laid our grubby hands on page 1 of this confidential report. Just dim your screens and read silently.

TOP SECRET & CONFIDENTIAL
(SECURITY LEVEL: mouse cursor on minimize button)

Media assets under consideration

ANCHORS

anc_rajdeep

“I’m your soulmate. I complete your sentences, don’t I?”


NAME: Rajdeep “pointus interruptus” Sardesai

SIGNATURE STYLE: Bark excitedly at faces on a giant screen.

USP: Appeals to a wide demographic; incredibly popular with Pomeranians.

CREDO: Create a channel out of thin air, then sustain it on hot air.

EXECUTIVE SUMMARY: Rajdeep’s fanatical commitment to the sound of his own voice has the effect of rendering his guests speechless. Gone are the days when politicians leisurely dangled their modifiers and flaunted their participles while cunningly hiding their main clauses in labyrinths of disclaimers. Today, they hurriedly pack all their meaning into the first half of every sentence. Because once they reach mid-sentence

anc_sagarika

Does every question in the universe have a Y or N answer? Y-73% N-27%

NAME: Sagarika “faze the nation” Ghose

SIGNATURE STYLE: Maddening high-pitched harangue.

USP: Wields voice with operatic prowess. Can go ultrasonic and sense your location using sonar.

CREDO: Oversimplify or perish.

EXECUTIVE SUMMARY: Knows that India is a nation teeming with objective-type questions. Just SMS QOTD Y or N. There is no negative marking. If you’re a guest, keep it short. If you veer off-script, Sagarika will provide a heart-stoppingly unrecognizable summary of whatever you just said. High on sartorial consistency, sleeves match attention span.

"See the putty in my hands? That's you, dear viewer."

“See the putty in my hands? That’s you, dear viewer.”

NAME: Barkha “she the people” Dutt

SIGNATURE STYLE: Let’s give them something to fight about.

USP: Never ashamed to TeaR uP on camera.

CREDO: Have heartstring, will yank.

EXECUTIVE SUMMARY: If you’re a guest on her talk show, she will find your raw nerve and sandpaper it till you cry. And then she will cry with you till the ratings go wild. It’s like watching Jerry Springer and Oprah at the same time. As a war correspondent, she will brave gunfire and artillery shells, but not unfriendly blogs. If you so much as suggest that she put soldiers in harm’s way, she will make a Cheytanya Kunte out of you (go ahead, google the poor wretch). Currently anchors a show where the buck stops, but certainly not the bak bak.

anc_arnab

For every fact, there is an equal and opposite opinion


NAME: Arnab “the evangelist” Goswami

SIGNATURE STYLE: Incandescent moral outrage of the omniscient admonisher.

USP: Can unleash a 60-minute sermon while pretending to interview 5 guests.

CREDO: The apocalypse is upon us. Follow me.

EXECUTIVE SUMMARY: In an industry obsessed with objectivity and balance, Arnab comes as a breath of fresh air. In a nation obsessed with humility and wisdom, Arnab comes as a breath of fresh air. Every evening, Arnab’s forensic pyrotechnics make you question the need for a judicial system in a nation equipped with television studios. A man of destiny, Arnab knows that he will one day save the world. Not surprisingly, he dresses like Clark Kent.


LEGACY STAFF

anc_karan

“I’m Socrates. You’re a gorgeous Athenian lad.”

NAME: Karan Thapar

SIGNATURE STYLE: Nitpick. Nitpick. Nitpick.

USP: Extremely well connected.

CREDO: The privilege is all yours.

EXECUTIVE SUMMARY: Talking to Thapar is the verbal equivalent of getting a colonoscopy. Not recommended unless medically necessary, and never to be attempted in public. Typical interview fragment:

Thapar: You’re not saying “yes”…. so does that mean you’re saying “no”?
Guest: Not exactly.
Thapar: Ok so you’re saying “not exactly”….. Does that mean a “not exactly yes” or a “not exactly no”?
Guest: I’m saying neither.
Thapar (narrowing his eyes): So you’re not saying “yes”, you’re not saying “no”, you’re not saying “not exactly yes”, and you’re not saying “not exactly no”… Would that be a correct assessment of what you’re saying?
Guest: I suppose so.
Thapar: You just contradicted yourself! A moment ago you were absolutely certain and now you’re no longer sure.
Guest: Well that’s because-
Thapar: Thank you. It’s been a pleasure talking to you.

anc_shekar

“tell me honestly… didn’t you think Skylab would fall on your head?”

NAME: Shekhar Gupta

SIGNATURE STYLE: Obscure 80s nostalgia.

USP: Frighteningly well connected.

CREDO: Let’s Walk the Talk. You walkie, me talkie.

EXECUTIVE SUMMARY: Walks and talks with VIPs so VVIP that they won’t be caught dead near a television studio. Is the most hilariously inattentive interviewer in the industry. Typical interview fragment:

Shekhar: So tell me about your strained relations with Pranab Mukherjee.
Chidambaram: As I was saying, last Sunday I had had just about enough of his nonsense. So I-
Shekhar: You mean the PM?
Chidambaram: Not the PM. Pranab Mukherjee. So as I was saying, I went up to him and told him to take a flying
Shekhar: I remember during Rajiv Gandhi’s time you were criticized for fixing the price of tea.

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