Chetan Braggart: Bolly, isme credit nahin hain daali!

Aamir Cannes: Arre baba, why ask for credit when I haven’t even read it?

Chetan Braggart: Bolly, isme credit nahin hain daali!

Aamir Cannes: Chetan, you’re being greedy for publicity. Don’t be that way. Be a true artist…. learn from me… I crave nothing more than unemployment and obscurity. The success of QSQT totally ruined me… which is why, as everybody knows, I’m on this heroic quest for anonymity. I wear disguises and disappear from the public gaze until the media accidentally (and somehow, unerringly) discovers me. You should really try it out. Just wear a disguise and disappear for a while. Now is a good time actually.

Chetan Braggart: Spare me your BS. Btw I don’t need your publicity. I’m already fabulously famous. I’m India’s most read author after ML Khanna for IIT JEE Mathematics.

Vinu Vidhu Vici: Media people, stop covering Chetan. He is an evil man and more importantly, not a celeb. Also media, shut up.

Arnab Grosswami: WTF! I mean, WTF!!! How dare you insult the media! Apologize Mofo!

Vinu Vidhu Vici: Sorry media.

Arnab Grosswami: Abjectly, grovelingly! And this time with your mouth full!

Vinu Vidhu Vici: Sorry media. I behaved like a jackass on live television. Even my kid said to me, “dad, how could you be such a jackass on live TV?” etc. etc. Sorry media.

Arnab Grosswami: Hmm… that’ll do. Anyway thx Vinu, I badly needed to vent – and there was no Ravi Shankar Prasad or Manish Tiwari or Pak military on the show today.

Vinu Vidhu Vici: My pleasure Arnab. Now media, here’s the scoop of the decade: I paid Chetan full advance! I paid that man full bonus!

Chetan Braggart: Listen dimwit Balika Vidhu, I’m not talking about money. I’m talking about credit. Not screenplay credit, but story credit. Btw media, did you know that Vinu thinks you’re all semi-literate morons? Shit, I was so appalled when he said that… I don’t think you guys are semi-literate at all. Anyway media, don’t be Forrest Gumps playing ping pong. Just read my book and watch the movie. You’ll find that 3 Idiots is 70.0126% based on my book Five Point Someone.

Aamir Cannes: My point exactly… 70% of FPS =  3.5 Someone… it’s a totally different book! LOL weak joke, I know . Btw thx for promoting my movie x0x0x0. I heard your book’s sales have massively surged too. I won’t be buying a copy though… Reading is not my scene… pages are non-reflective surfaces.

RANCHI: Accused of illegally amassing assets worth Rs 4000 Crore, former Jharkhand Chief Minister Mr. Madhu Koda was finally booked under the infamous KODA today. Mr. Koda’s arrest had been delayed by a miraculously timed medical emergency that had left him in hospital for a week.

A senior doctor rubbished media speculation that the hospital had been complicit in helping Mr. Koda evade arrest: “Mr. Koda’s life was in the gravest danger. He was brought in with acute abdominal pain, giddiness, and vomiting. As any MBBS will know, these are the classic symptoms of a life-threatening disease known as Dysmenorrhea, or severe menstrual cramps.”

To their credit, investigators acted with a vigor and vitality uncharacteristic of an organization named the ED. Penetrating Mr. Koda’s ring, they made several arrests even as Mr. Koda chummed away in the ICU. But it was only when a union minister’s name fell out of Mr. Koda’s personal diary, that the enormity of the scam hit them. Officials then decided to invoke KODA, a new law designed to ensure acquittal by sounding so draconian it is certain to be repealed.

 
Mr. Koda, for his part, remains defiant: “I single-handedly raised the standard of living of the poorest of the poor. Jharkhand is the only state where even the tribals drink mineral water.”

noiseofindia has learnt that Mr. Koda has millions stashed away in Africa, and is frantically trying to offload his fortune to anyone willing to take it. His trusted attorney, Mr. Zuma Mobutu, has emailed a number of people, hoping that a good Samaritan will come forward and accept this extraordinary windfall.

Hope was an audacious woman and Obama knew her since college. He knew her well enough to write a book about her and become President.

Ridicule was Hope’s classmate. Ridicule was insanely jealous of Hope, because Hope, as they say, was a woman of substance. One day the two got into a fight and the matter got serious enough to be taken to court.

Since Obama was a professor of Law, he gladly took up Hope’s case. The case went on for several months and Hope seemed certain to win, until a wily Nordic druid handed Obama the Nobel for Peace.

“Thanks!” Obama said, vanishing into thin air.

Suddenly, Hope no longer had a lawyer and Ridicule’s star was on the ascendant. Almost overnight, Ridicule seemed to acquire curves in all the right places and exude an animal charm that even the Judge could not resist. To make matters worse, Hope began to experience weird hallucinations whenever Ridicule was around:

One day, when the Judge asked Ridicule to sit down, Hope heard Obama cry.

One day, Hope had a vision of Ridicule mooning the developing world and telling it to cut emissions.

One day, Hope saw the Chinese Ambassador spank Ridicule for mentioning the Dalai Lama.

SABARMATI ASHRAM: Top Gandhians nearly lost their composure as they heard of luxury-pen maker Mo’Bling’s plans to sell a Mahatma pen for a whopping 17,000 Euros. Recovering quickly, the Gandhians tendered an unconditional apology to Mo’Bling, expressing regret for thinking slightly violent thoughts about the company. Mo’Bling is however keen to keep the Gandhians pacified. As a goodwill gesture, the company will recreate Gandhi’s epochal 1930 walk by having the 241 owners of the limited-edition pens take out a dandy march.
 
Not amused by Mo’Bling’s audacious foray into Gandhi-grunge, ethnic wear giant Drabindia has already issued a strongly-worded fashion statement. Defending the luxury-pen, a spokesman for Mo’Bling said: “This pen is just a small step in our tireless search for innovative ways to reference the Mahatma. Do watch out for our forthcoming launches – the Sabarmati Enema and the Nathuram Semi-automatic.”
 
Meanwhile, the first Gandhi pen has already been misplaced at an SBI Branch in Kannur. The disconsolate victim said: “as usual, some guy borrowed it to fill in his DD and I forgot all about it.” The entire branch observed a two-minute silence to mark the occasion.

NEW DELHI: MoS External Affairs and self-described humanitarian Mr Shashi Tharoor has vehemently denied rumours that the party high command has asked him to vacate his twitter account with immediate effect. To prove the point, Mr Tharoor began tweeting within hours of leaving 10 Janpath.
 

But India’s top tweeters are far from impressed. Said a powertweeter who wished to remain anonymous: “I’ve been monitoring @ohshitharoor’s tweets since yesterday morning and I can say without hesitation that something is certainly amiss here.” The tweeter refused to elaborate since he had already reached his 140 character limit.
 
Mr Tharoor’s trip to Liberia, it is rumored, suffered from a similar mania for terseness. Ministry officials have complained that most of their time was taken up in paring down gigantic business contracts to crisp, 140-character capsules. “Thank God for bit.ly or we’d have been totally sunk” said a contractor contracted to contract contracts.

Mischievous tweeters had a field day, baiting Mr Tharoor with questions like “so are you going to bomb the Chinkies this time?” etc. Sources tell us that Mr Tharoor was fairly bubbling with jests and had to be manually restrained from responding.

Rubbishing reports that he’d been given a severe dressing down at 10 Janpath, Mr Tharoor said that it was merely a courtesy call, at the end of which he’d even exchanged gifts with the Gandhis. When asked what gift he had received, he said, “Nothing much, just Rs. 500 and a transistor radio.”