If you know him, you will be sorry

MUMBAI: A survey has found that 63% of Mumbai residents are stricken with the guilt of having unwittingly offended Mr. Raj Thackeray. The guilt is producing severe psychosomatic symptoms including delirium, constipation, and Senophobia.

Raj-Guilt has hit public personalities particularly hard. Many wake up in the middle of the night and sob uncontrollably, causing their worried spouses to boot up and blog uncontrollably. A senior police officer confesses: “The guilt got so acute I wanted to file an FIR against myself. I put myself under surveillance and found out I was a closet Thackerophobe. Imagine living in Mumbai and hating the Thackerays… that’s like hating the sweetness in the sugar, the wetness in the water, the jaundice in the Panipuri. I’m now in rehab, learning to love Raj for the tremendous lack of violence he has shown me.”

However, not everyone is complaining. Some are actually enjoying the guilt-trip – and want to take their apology to the next level. Said a filthy rich industrialist who likes to wear leather and crawl on all fours: “What’s the point in making an apology if you don’t get the punishment? I want to grovel before him and say sorry so abjectly I lose my last shred of dignity. Then I want him to abuse me in naughty Marathi and spank me real hard. MNS… S&M… it’s all the same thing!”

Greeting-card manufacturers are laughing all the way to the bank. Mushy cards that begin with “I’m so sorry Raj”, “Mee chuklo, Malaa maaf kara”, and “My deepest apologies, dear nephew” are flying off the shelves at Archies and Hallmark outlets, all of which are just a stone’s throw from the local MNS office.