Gandhians Almost Enraged

2nd October 2009

Saving India from penury

Saving India from penury

SABARMATI ASHRAM: Top Gandhians nearly lost their composure as they heard of luxury-pen maker Mo’Bling’s plans to sell a Mahatma pen for a whopping 17,000 Euros. Recovering quickly, the Gandhians tendered an unconditional apology to Mo’Bling, expressing regret for thinking slightly violent thoughts about the company. Mo’Bling is however keen to keep the Gandhians pacified. As a goodwill gesture, the company will recreate Gandhi’s epochal 1930 walk by having the 241 owners of the limited-edition pens take out a dandy march.
 
Not amused by Mo’Bling’s audacious foray into Gandhi-grunge, ethnic wear giant Drabindia has already issued a strongly-worded fashion statement. Defending the luxury-pen, a spokesman for Mo’Bling said: “This pen is just a small step in our tireless search for innovative ways to reference the Mahatma. Do watch out for our forthcoming launches – the Sabarmati Enema and the Nathuram Semi-automatic.”
 
Meanwhile, the first Gandhi pen has already been misplaced at an SBI Branch in Kannur. The disconsolate victim said: “as usual, some guy borrowed it to fill in his DD and I forgot all about it.” The entire branch observed a two-minute silence to mark the occasion.

Tharoor’s Tweets Neutered

23rd September 2009

austerity is.. saying it in 140 characters

austerity is.. saying it in 140 characters

NEW DELHI: MoS External Affairs and self-described humanitarian Mr Shashi Tharoor has vehemently denied rumours that the party high command has asked him to vacate his twitter account with immediate effect. To prove the point, Mr Tharoor began tweeting within hours of leaving 10 Janpath.
 

But India’s top tweeters are far from impressed. Said a powertweeter who wished to remain anonymous: “I’ve been monitoring @ohshitharoor’s tweets since yesterday morning and I can say without hesitation that something is certainly amiss here.” The tweeter refused to elaborate since he had already reached his 140 character limit.
 
Mr Tharoor’s trip to Liberia, it is rumored, suffered from a similar mania for terseness. Ministry officials have complained that most of their time was taken up in paring down gigantic business contracts to crisp, 140-character capsules. “Thank God for bit.ly or we’d have been totally sunk” said a contractor contracted to contract contracts.

Mischievous tweeters had a field day, baiting Mr Tharoor with questions like “so are you going to bomb the Chinkies this time?” etc. Sources tell us that Mr Tharoor was fairly bubbling with jests and had to be manually restrained from responding.

Rubbishing reports that he’d been given a severe dressing down at 10 Janpath, Mr Tharoor said that it was merely a courtesy call, at the end of which he’d even exchanged gifts with the Gandhis. When asked what gift he had received, he said, “Nothing much, just Rs. 500 and a transistor radio.”

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Agony Aunt counsels BJP

15th September 2009

Agony aunt gives party leaders some tough love, because that’s how they like it!

Q Auntyji, what lessons can we learn from the 2009 elections? – AJ

maskDear AJ, as you know, the BJP’s political strategy is based on the Hollywood blockbuster The Mask (Hindi dub: Mukhota), in which Jim Carrey plays a shapeshifting charmer who gatecrashes parties, wins friends, and realizes all his dreams.

But did you know that there was a sequel to The Mask, in which they tried replacing Jim Carrey with some other actor? I’m guessing you didn’t, because the movie was a colossal dud. Moral of the story is, if you can’t sign up Jim Carrey, don’t bother making the movie.

Q Auntyji, Arun Shourie has compared us to Humpty Dumpty. Is he right? – VN

Dear VN, that depends entirely on what Shourie wants Humpty Dumpty to mean. Perhaps he means someone who Humpties a party and then Dumpties it?

Q Aunty, I’m a young soft-spoken MP who’s just been to jail for making a doctored hate-speech. I got elected by a landslide, but my party is giving me the cold shoulder. What’s going on? Earlier they used to go crazy over such speeches but now they’re looking at me like I farted in the elevator. It’s like the party’s been doctored or something. Anyways, I’m confused about where this party is going. I need answers fast or my mom will drag me to some other party. – Confused

Dear Confused, Yeh andar ki baat hain. You must exercise extreme caution in your choice of underwear. You can pick either desi knickers or designer knickers. Never pick both, or the knickers will bicker. Too many people are wearing Calvin Kleins underneath their VIPs and finding themselves in a tight spot. Others are growing too fat in the party and, horror of horrors, exceeding their briefs. So you should really pick the right knickers. Remember that your party suffers both when it is out of garment and when it is in coalition garment.

Q Dear Auntyji, I’m a senior party functionary. I have forgotten my gmail password. Can you help me? – SS

Dear SS, all party functionaries use the same gmail password. It is “PM2014”

Q Auntyji, there is too much confusion about Hindutva in my party. Please clarify – (anonymous)

(b. 1923)

(b. 1923)

Dear Anonymous, As you must have heard by now, Hinduism is not a religion, it is a way of life. Hindutva, on the other hand, is a religion, not a way of life. Hindutva is the mother-in-law Hinduism got, when it was married off into the parivar. Unlike Hinduism, Hindutva has solid middle-class values and fixed opinions on everything from booze to skimpy clothes to article 377. Naturally, Hindutva frowns on many things Hinduism has been doing for thousands of years.

spindutvaPlease note that “Hindutva” is currently out of fashion because it has few takers outside the parivar. The term has been superseded by “Spindutva,” or integral humanism. Spindutva is lucidly explained by Mr. Sudheendra Kulkarni in his bestseller Spindutva for Dummies. Mr. Kulkarni is an ex-IITian and an expert on calculus. He discusses at length why differential humanism is actually integral humanism.

Q Auntyji, what happened at the recently held Chintan Baithak? – SNC

SNC, contrary to popular belief, BJP leaders did not shy away from a brutally frank assessment of past mistakes. The past was in fact dissected and analyzed threadbare. Every issue was addressed and the necessary corrections made. The past is looking much better now.

Q Auntyji, what is Advaniji’s contribution to Indian politics? – RSP

Dear RSP, Advaniji will be remembered as a man who got on a chariot and spent months galvanizing the masses to do something that took him entirely by surprise.

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Follow the Health Minister on Titter and get Swine Flu… updates!

titter_nubbyazz

media spreading panic again. they should influenza public opinion in postive way. LOL

about 6 hours ago from web

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@rajthakks sorry brother, its not possible to ban swine flu in maharashtra.

3:30 PM Aug 14th from web
titter_spacer

@chiddams joke for u – militant consumer group planning attacks on medical shops. group is called LTT – liberation tigers of tamiflu. ROTFL!!!

2:54 PM Aug 14th from web
titter_spacer

@rajthakks arre baba, pls stop threatening to kick bollywood in the multiplexus.

2:13 PM Aug 14th from web
titter_spacer

total chaos at US consulate. ppl demanding H1N1 test at H1B counter. I feel sad. when will we Indians learn to stand in the right queue?

1:45 PM Aug 14th from web
titter_spacer

teasing Pranabda. I told him I want Finance and he can take Health. He asked how we can exchange? I said because health is wealth! LOL!!!

1:36 PM Aug 14th from web
titter_spacer

@rajthakks joke for u – H1N1 spreading faster and shutting down more places in mumbai than MNS. ur career is over. LOL

1:30 PM Aug 14th from web
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chiddusolution

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