swear i wasn't coked out when i tweeted that shit!

swear i wasn't coked out when i tweeted that shit!

A noiseofindia opinion poll has indicated that the nation is still searching for words with which to thank Mr Lalit Modi for the miraculous tweets that emanated from his twitter account one fine April morning. Shortly after taking out their intended target, the tweets suddenly went rogue, provoking leaks, squealings, and other unthinkable breaches of sleazeball etiquette. All of this has been to the utter dismay of our cricket pimps and to the considerable delight of the public. To his credit, Mr Modi continues to remain upbeat, no doubt a little amazed at the selflessness with which he has served the nation, and also somewhat awed by the prospect of being India’s new poster boy for corporate transparency.

The fallout of Modi’s tweets has been phenomenal. It has led to the outing of “IPLGate,” a scandal that promises to open cans of worms as they fly out of Pandora’s boxes and other apt metaphors. As we go to the wires, IPLGate has already claimed a union minister’s job and cast a cloud over some of India’s biggest names and business houses. There are dark suggestions of wild orgies involving sex, drugs, gambling-syndicates, and possible match-fixing. Mr Modi is likely to be sacked too, though he has, in customary fashion, snorted at the suggestion while betting on it.

Mr Tharoor’s resignation was somewhat delayed as ministry officials quibbled over whether to label IPLGate a “shitstorm” or a “clusterf**k” before they briefed the PM. The PM is said to have taken personal interest in the matter as Tharoor was one of his blue-eyed boys. A sharp dresser whose oratorical skills have often lent the UN an aura of relevance, Mr Tharoor has never let a crisis give him a bad hair day. “Our very own coiffure Annan,” Mr Singh is said to have told George Bush in 2006.

When informed that a certain Ms Sunanda Pushkar, Tharoor’s significant other, had illegally received “sweat equity” from the Kochi franchise, the PM reportedly expressed disbelief at the suggestion that Mr Tharoor could have a significant other. It may be recalled that Mr Tharoor has, of late, been preoccupied with his own medical issues—which might include solipcystic psychosis supervenient on narcisscystic hubrosis (chronic).

Goodnight, tweet prince

Goodnight, tweet prince

Following Mr Modi’s revelations, Ms Pushkar has returned her sweat equity on the grounds that “ladies don’t sweat, they perspire.” Mr Tharoor, as per the PM’s instructions, has resigned from his post. Speaking in Parliament, Mr Tharoor first informed the house that his conscience was clear, and then proceeded to sing praises of the party that was dumping him despite having been provided the aforementioned nugget of information. Shrewdly, he quoted a verse from a Malayali poet, thereby demonstrating to his detractors that what he had in common with Mrs. Sonia Gandhi was something unique and inimitable—namely, an accent that was incontestably weird.

Meanwhile, the public is overjoyed at the windfall and is determined that Modi’s providential tweets get their due. Several online petitions have gone out on social media, demanding a Bharat Ratna for the tweets, and also, if possible, a Borat Ratna for Mr Lalit Modi.

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Are you an Indian? Find out!

29th January 2010
Fill in the blanks

Fill in the blanks

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Chetan Braggart: Bolly, isme credit nahin hain daali!

Aamir Cannes: Arre baba, why ask for credit when I haven’t even read it?

Chetan Braggart: Bolly, isme credit nahin hain daali!

Aamir Cannes: Chetan, you’re being greedy for publicity. Don’t be that way. Be a true artist…. learn from me… I crave nothing more than unemployment and obscurity. The success of QSQT totally ruined me… which is why, as everybody knows, I’m on this heroic quest for anonymity. I wear disguises and disappear from the public gaze until the media accidentally (and somehow, unerringly) discovers me. You should really try it out. Just wear a disguise and disappear for a while. Now is a good time actually.

Chetan Braggart: Spare me your BS. Btw I don’t need your publicity. I’m already fabulously famous. I’m India’s most read author after ML Khanna for IIT JEE Mathematics.

Vinu Vidhu Vici: Media people, stop covering Chetan. He is an evil man and more importantly, not a celeb. Also media, shut up.

Arnab Grosswami: WTF! I mean, WTF!!! How dare you insult the media! Apologize Mofo!

Vinu Vidhu Vici: Sorry media.

Arnab Grosswami: Abjectly, grovelingly! And this time with your mouth full!

Vinu Vidhu Vici: Sorry media. I behaved like a jackass on live television. Even my kid said to me, “dad, how could you be such a jackass on live TV?” etc. etc. Sorry media.

Arnab Grosswami: Hmm… that’ll do. Anyway thx Vinu, I badly needed to vent – and there was no Ravi Shankar Prasad or Manish Tiwari or Pak military on the show today.

Vinu Vidhu Vici: My pleasure Arnab. Now media, here’s the scoop of the decade: I paid Chetan full advance! I paid that man full bonus!

Chetan Braggart: Listen dimwit Balika Vidhu, I’m not talking about money. I’m talking about credit. Not screenplay credit, but story credit. Btw media, did you know that Vinu thinks you’re all semi-literate morons? Shit, I was so appalled when he said that… I don’t think you guys are semi-literate at all. Anyway media, don’t be Forrest Gumps playing ping pong. Just read my book and watch the movie. You’ll find that 3 Idiots is 70.0126% based on my book Five Point Someone.

Aamir Cannes: My point exactly… 70% of FPS =  3.5 Someone… it’s a totally different book! LOL weak joke, I know :D. Btw thx for promoting my movie x0x0x0. I heard your book’s sales have massively surged too. I won’t be buying a copy though… Reading is not my scene… pages are non-reflective surfaces.

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Koda booked under KODA

11th November 2009

RANCHI: Accused of illegally amassing assets worth Rs 4000 Crore, former Jharkhand Chief Minister Mr. Madhu Koda was finally booked under the infamous KODA today. Mr. Koda’s arrest had been delayed by a miraculously timed medical emergency that had left him in hospital for a week.

Doctors: hand in glove?

Doctors: hand in glove?

A senior doctor rubbished media speculation that the hospital had been complicit in helping Mr. Koda evade arrest: “Mr. Koda’s life was in the gravest danger. He was brought in with acute abdominal pain, giddiness, and vomiting. As any MBBS will know, these are the classic symptoms of a life-threatening disease known as Dysmenorrhea, or severe menstrual cramps.”

Ibuprofen didn't work

Ibuprofen didn't work

To their credit, investigators acted with a vigor and vitality uncharacteristic of an organization named the ED. Penetrating Mr. Koda’s ring, they made several arrests even as Mr. Koda chummed away in the ICU. But it was only when a union minister’s name fell out of Mr. Koda’s personal diary, that the enormity of the scam hit them. Officials then decided to invoke KODA, a new law designed to ensure acquittal by sounding so draconian it is certain to be repealed.

 
Mr. Koda, for his part, remains defiant: “I single-handedly raised the standard of living of the poorest of the poor. Jharkhand is the only state where even the tribals drink mineral water.”

noiseofindia has learnt that Mr. Koda has millions stashed away in Africa, and is frantically trying to offload his fortune to anyone willing to take it. His trusted attorney, Mr. Zuma Mobutu, has emailed a number of people, hoping that a good Samaritan will come forward and accept this extraordinary windfall.

Nobel Gets Obama

11th October 2009

Hope was an audacious woman and Obama knew her since college. He knew her well enough to write a book about her and become President.

Ridicule was Hope’s classmate. Ridicule was insanely jealous of Hope, because Hope, as they say, was a woman of substance. One day the two got into a fight and the matter got serious enough to be taken to court.

Since Obama was a professor of Law, he gladly took up Hope’s case. The case went on for several months and Hope seemed certain to win, until a wily Nordic druid handed Obama the Nobel for Peace.

“Thanks!” Obama said, vanishing into thin air.

Suddenly, Hope no longer had a lawyer and Ridicule’s star was on the ascendant. Almost overnight, Ridicule seemed to acquire curves in all the right places and exude an animal charm that even the Judge could not resist. To make matters worse, Hope began to experience weird hallucinations whenever Ridicule was around:

One day, when the Judge asked Ridicule to sit down, Hope heard Obama cry.

One day, Hope had a vision of Ridicule mooning the developing world and telling it to cut emissions.

One day, Hope saw the Chinese Ambassador spank Ridicule for mentioning the Dalai Lama.

Q: Why did Hope experience these weird hallucinations?

A: Because Obama used to represent Hope until the Nobel made him the butt of Ridicule.

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