Inspired by the IPL, the major news channels have decided to auction off their high-value assets to ride out the recession. Reputed auditing firm Ricewaterspouse has already assessed the anchors and submitted a detailed report to Lalit Modi. Don’t ask us how we laid our grubby hands on page 1 of this confidential report. Just dim your screens and read silently.
TOP SECRET & CONFIDENTIAL
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Media assets under consideration
ANCHORS
 “I’m your soulmate. I complete your sentences, don’t I?”
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NAME: Rajdeep “pointus interruptus” Sardesai
SIGNATURE STYLE: Bark excitedly at faces on a giant screen. USP: Appeals to a wide demographic; incredibly popular with Pomeranians. CREDO: Create a channel out of thin air, then sustain it on hot air. EXECUTIVE SUMMARY: Rajdeep’s fanatical commitment to the sound of his own voice has the effect of rendering his guests speechless. Gone are the days when politicians leisurely dangled their modifiers and flaunted their participles while cunningly hiding their main clauses in labyrinths of disclaimers. Today, they hurriedly pack all their meaning into the first half of every sentence. Because once they reach mid-sentence |
 Does every question in the universe have a Y or N answer? Y-73% N-27% |
NAME: Sagarika “faze the nation” Ghose
SIGNATURE STYLE: Maddening high-pitched harangue. USP: Wields voice with operatic prowess. Can go ultrasonic and sense your location using sonar. CREDO: Oversimplify or perish. EXECUTIVE SUMMARY: Knows that India is a nation teeming with objective-type questions. Just SMS QOTD Y or N. There is no negative marking. If you’re a guest, keep it short. If you veer off-script, Sagarika will provide a heart-stoppingly unrecognizable summary of whatever you just said. High on sartorial consistency, sleeves match attention span. |
 “See the putty in my hands? That’s you, dear viewer.” |
NAME: Barkha “she the people” Dutt
SIGNATURE STYLE: Let’s give them something to fight about. USP: Never ashamed to TeaR uP on camera. CREDO: Have heartstring, will yank. EXECUTIVE SUMMARY: If you’re a guest on her talk show, she will find your raw nerve and sandpaper it till you cry. And then she will cry with you till the ratings go wild. It’s like watching Jerry Springer and Oprah at the same time. As a war correspondent, she will brave gunfire and artillery shells, but not unfriendly blogs. If you so much as suggest that she put soldiers in harm’s way, she will make a Cheytanya Kunte out of you (go ahead, google the poor wretch). Currently anchors a show where the buck stops, but certainly not the bak bak. |
 For every fact, there is an equal and opposite opinion
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NAME: Arnab “the evangelist” Goswami
SIGNATURE STYLE: Incandescent moral outrage of the omniscient admonisher. USP: Can unleash a 60-minute sermon while pretending to interview 5 guests. CREDO: The apocalypse is upon us. Follow me. EXECUTIVE SUMMARY: In an industry obsessed with objectivity and balance, Arnab comes as a breath of fresh air. In a nation obsessed with humility and wisdom, Arnab comes as a breath of fresh air. Every evening, Arnab’s forensic pyrotechnics make you question the need for a judicial system in a nation equipped with television studios. A man of destiny, Arnab knows that he will one day save the world. Not surprisingly, he dresses like Clark Kent. |
LEGACY STAFF
 “I’m Socrates. You’re a gorgeous Athenian lad.”
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NAME: Karan Thapar
SIGNATURE STYLE: Nitpick. Nitpick. Nitpick. USP: Extremely well connected. CREDO: The privilege is all yours. EXECUTIVE SUMMARY: Talking to Thapar is the verbal equivalent of getting a colonoscopy. Not recommended unless medically necessary, and never to be attempted in public. Typical interview fragment: Thapar: You’re not saying “yes”…. so does that mean you’re saying “no”? |
 “tell me honestly… didn’t you think Skylab would fall on your head?”
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NAME: Shekhar Gupta
SIGNATURE STYLE: Obscure 80s nostalgia. USP: Frighteningly well connected. CREDO: Let’s Walk the Talk. You walkie, me talkie. EXECUTIVE SUMMARY: Walks and talks with VIPs so VVIP that they won’t be caught dead near a television studio. Is the most hilariously inattentive interviewer in the industry. Typical interview fragment: Shekhar: So tell me about your strained relations with Pranab Mukherjee. |
