SINGUR: Senior TATA engineers are examining a daring new proposal that enables the creation of new land practically out of thin air. The proposal exploits a law of trigonometry according to which any length of land can be doubled by simply giving it a 60 degree slope. In other words, a sloped landfill on the undisputed 500 acres will be more than sufficient to house the entire project. Also, given the steep incline, engineers  expect a much quicker rollout of the Nano.

"who's your didi?"

When reached for comment, Mamta Banerjee accused the West Bengal government of dodging the problem by trying to arrive at a solution. “Ratan and Buddhadeb keep talking about a compensation package in exchange for the acquired land. We have no interest whatsoever in any package that endangers the survival of the problem” she said.

"blimey!"

Ratan Tata lay glumly on the couch, flipping through an old issue of Cosmo. His face seemed to brighten when he got an SMS from Buddhadeb, but the news was bad. Mamta was still rousing the rabble. Ratan sat up and speed-dialled the CM: “But Buddha, you said I could have the land… a promise is a promise.” Buddhadeb appeared to feign a network problem and quickly hung up. Ratan then fixed his eyes dreamily on the horizon and told the gathered pressmen, “I promise to get the hell out of West Bengal… and there will be no turning back… a promise is a promise”. Angels wept.

"We're dealing with Genghis Khan in a cotton sari"

Buddhadeb declined to comment, pointing out that regardless of what he said, Mamta would tear him to pieces, Ratan would act all passive-aggressive, and then his own party would make him eat his words. Asked why his government kept making false promises about returning the land, Buddhadeb declared: “that’s because claims can be retracted but tracts cannot be reclaimed.”

If you know him, you will be sorry

MUMBAI: A survey has found that 63% of Mumbai residents are stricken with the guilt of having unwittingly offended Mr. Raj Thackeray. The guilt is producing severe psychosomatic symptoms including delirium, constipation, and Senophobia.

Raj-Guilt has hit public personalities particularly hard. Many wake up in the middle of the night and sob uncontrollably, causing their worried spouses to boot up and blog uncontrollably. A senior police officer confesses: “The guilt got so acute I wanted to file an FIR against myself. I put myself under surveillance and found out I was a closet Thackerophobe. Imagine living in Mumbai and hating the Thackerays… that’s like hating the sweetness in the sugar, the wetness in the water, the jaundice in the Panipuri. I’m now in rehab, learning to love Raj for the tremendous lack of violence he has shown me.”

However, not everyone is complaining. Some are actually enjoying the guilt-trip – and want to take their apology to the next level. Said a filthy rich industrialist who likes to wear leather and crawl on all fours: “What’s the point in making an apology if you don’t get the punishment? I want to grovel before him and say sorry so abjectly I lose my last shred of dignity. Then I want him to abuse me in naughty Marathi and spank me real hard. MNS… S&M… it’s all the same thing!”

Greeting-card manufacturers are laughing all the way to the bank. Mushy cards that begin with “I’m so sorry Raj”, “Mee chuklo, Malaa maaf kara”, and “My deepest apologies, dear nephew” are flying off the shelves at Archies and Hallmark outlets, all of which are just a stone’s throw from the local MNS office.

Masand displays his liver, where the bile is produced

NEW DELHI: Self-styled movie critic Rajiv Masand stunned viewers last night by launching a blistering attack against his own show.

Declaring that the vacuousness of his reviews was matched only by the pomposity of their delivery, Masand wondered how anyone could take him seriously after his review of Michael Clayton, which, “were it not so depressingly bereft of critical engagement, may have charmed with the jejune brio of its bumptiousness.”

Pulled up by Rajdeep for having ridiculed one of the channel’s most high-brow offerings, Masand blamed his liver, where most of his thoughts, feelings and adjectives originate. “Last night my liver was working overtime and my body was making more puke than the movies could handle. I had to find something else to hurl on.” he claimed.

hear it?

MUMBAI: Unable to pull through a risky surgical procedure, playback singer Himesh Reshammiya’s nose has been rendered voiceless. Eminent plastic-surgeon JJ Tinkerwalla spent the whole night trying to revive the voice, until Himesh uttered the dreaded words: “Doctor, I think I can smell again.”

Tinkerwalla – in whose dexterous hands many a nose has blossomed into stardom – laments the lack of moderation in today’s singers: “The noses of yesteryear had subtlety. Mukesh’s nose, for example, oozed class and dripped melody. Now you have this vulgar race to own the tightest nose. A surgeon can only achieve so much with industrial clamps.”

Himesh’s meteoric rise began after a Bollywood producer discovered the singer’s talent in a mall restroom. Says the producer: “We were seated in adjacent cubicles and I happened to hear this ethereal twang. My bowels emptied in an instant – it was like an enema from heaven! Himesh is what you call a classical bathroom singer – he was allowed to sing only in bathrooms. Then one day, owing to some particularly noxious odours, Himesh had to hold his nose while he sang. The effect was electric. A star was born.”