Mr.Abbas: He knows stuff about your wife too

Mr.Abbas: He knows stuff about your wife too

MUMBAI: Game-show host turned Toyota dealer Roshan Abbas ran into trouble after he approached Prime Minister Vajpayee to divulge sensitive information regarding Ms. Mamta Bannerjee. Barely two minutes into an NDA crisis-management meeting, Mr Abbas managed to get past security and inform the PM: “That’s Ms. Mamta Bannerjee. Did you know that she actually hates para-gliding in Tollyganj?” Commandoes immediately swung into action and whisked away Mr. Abbas for a frank exchange of ideas.

Although it was established that Mr. Abbas was just a harmless collector of female trivia, powerful lobbies from the Congress, Trinamool Congress, AIADMK and the I&B Ministry were successful in getting him declared a public nuisance. Mr. Abbas has denied rumours that he presides over a vast network of charming and personable guys covertly setting up a matrimonial database.

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Sonia’s accent still weird

6th October 2000

sonia

NEW DELHI: Despite frantic attempts to blend in, Congress President Sonia Gandhi’s accent is still weird according to an opinion poll conducted by noiseofindia. K-Kiran, a leading phonetics expert laments: “Her tutors have got it all mixed up. First it was English with an Italian accent, then it was Hindi with an English accent. Now her Italian is beginning to get a Hindi accent. Max Muller Bhavan better get involved when she takes up German next semester.”

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Karma yogis to sue Nike

6th October 2000
Souls sue Shoe Soles by the sea shore

Souls sue Shoe Soles by the sea shore

San Francisco, CA: Already facing flak for its labour practices in Indonesia, shoe giant Nike is likely to receive a lawyer’s notice from NAIKY, the North American Institute for Karma Yoga. NAIKY alleges that Nike’s ‘Just do it’ ad campaign misrepresents and trivializes NAIKY’s core philosophy of disinterested action. Legal experts are however divided on semantic equivalence of the slogan to the well known Sanskrit doctrine. Explaining the slogan’s phenomenal success in the shoe industry, Sneaker consultant B.S. Greenfield says: “Whenever a barefoot adolescent looking at a 90 dollar shoe needs help in making a key financial decision, the slogan comes in handy”. In what promises to be a long legal battle, NAIKY’s director is steadfast and unwavering: “Yesterday, we fought for Basmati rice, today it is this. We are determined to fight this case tooth and nail, although we have no interest whatsoever in its outcome.”

icebergBANGKOK: Karachi based don Chhota Shakeel appeared somewhat melancholy after a squad of hitmen failed to eliminate arch-rival Chhota Rajan in a shootout at a Bangkok apartment. Sources say that the Karachi dons went ballistic after Chhota Rajan registered the domain name www.chotaworld.com in a brazen attempt to wean away customers from Shakeel’s popular bhai portal, www.chhotaworld.com.

Cop-alerts are vital to a growing business

Cop-alerts are vital to a growing business

“Rajan is a cybersquatter, and we’ll make him pay his hafta. Our website was getting 5000 new hits per day and now we get a measly 1700. Clearly, it is time for us to order some new hits,” says Shakeel. Cyber-savvy Rajan is quick to dismiss the typo-squatter charge: “Arre dude, its not my problem if the average Bhai thinks there’s just one ‘h’ in chhota. Besides, our site is much better than Shakeel’s anyways. We’re a one-stop-shop for all the underworld’s needs – right from guns, mobiles and Raybans to guns, mobiles and genuine Raybans.”

Rajan may have a point. While Shakeel’s site only offers standard features like free email and chat, Rajan’s site offers free blackmail with WAP-enabled cop alerts. The site also has other features like:
ChhotaChat (128-bit encyrpted bhai-chat),
ChhotaRat (informant search engine),
ChhotaLoan (secure transactions for movie finance) and
ChhotaFavour (B2B interface for supari deals).
New ideas like B2B supari are revolutionizing the underworld by bringing down costs. “Its making life much easier” is the common feedback. The site also features fun contests like NachBasanti! where Bhais can win the dancing rights for an unwitting moviestar.

Rajan evinces a keen interest in technology and believes that the future is in smart devices. “Lugging a PC during a cop-chase or a shootout can be a bit annoying. The future clearly lies in Chhota devices like cellphones and smartguns. A Bhai without a mobile will soon be an upwardly mobile Bhai,” he predicts.

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