DMK chief takes off coolers

15th September 2000
MK, moments before the event

MK, moments before the event

CHENNAI: In a move that has stumped political pundits, the Tamil Nadu Chief Minister today took off his goggles and exhaled into them in full pubic view. This went on for 15 seconds causing some lady members to pass out. Thereafter he proceeded to wipe them with his yellow scarf before coolly putting them back on. A senior editor commented, “This is a move of machiavellian shrewdness and byzantine intrigue. MK is a veritable Iago.” AIADMK supremo Dr JJ has termed the episode a “cheap, pussilanimous gimmick calculated to sow confusion in the minds of the people and subvert the democratic process”. She also demanded the immediate withdrawal of all the cases against her.

bihar

Aerial view of Bihar (file photo)

RAJGIR: A medium sized asteroid hurled into Bihar in the wee hours of monday morning, bringing much needed relief to a state with the highest per capita misery in the country. According to official reports, an unending human struggle against grinding poverty, caste violence, police brutality and omnipresent corruption has now been replaced by a very large crater. The state’s premier spouse Mr. Laloo had a miraculous escape as he happened to be outside the state at the time. Describing the event as the worst-ever setback to his political career, Mr. Laloo has called for a state-wide Bandh. An emotional Mr Laloo reportedly offered his services to the rest of the nation, but the PM has warned him against provoking the various secessionist forces already operating in the country.

More Investment Likely
Touring the asteroid hit state, the Home minister said “This place actually looks much better after the impact. I am confident we can start attracting some investment now”. Several industrialists have expressed similar sentiments, pointing out that Bihar has always been very rich in natural resources and now there would be no people to get in the way of real development.

Shilpa Shetty changes name

15th September 2000

MUMBAI: Well known bollywood siren Shilpa Shetty announced at a packed press conference that she would soon be changing her name following consultations with her numerologist. Replying to a query, Ms Shilpa said “My colleagues kept saying arre yaar… meet this numerologist – he will fix up your career. Only after meeting Mr. Shastri did I realize how badly my name was getting me down in this industry”. Noiseofindia has learnt that the change is to be very minimal – with just the first syllable being exchanged between her first and last names.

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Veerappan kidnapped

15th September 2000

BANGALORE: In a bizarre twist to the ongoing hostage drama, sandalwood smuggler Veerappan has been abducted by STDTOALMS (Shut The Damn Thing Off And Let Me Sleep), an extremist consumer group fighting for a ban on video-coach buses. When asked whether this new development clears the way for Dr. Raj’s rescue, Karnataka CM cautioned “That sounds like a very risky option, but our think tank will consider it”. A visibly distraught Mr. Krishna added, “Veerappan’s abduction has totally derailed the negotiations. Our first strategy had been working perfectly till the Supreme Court’s stay order forced us to revise our strategy… Then, we painstakingly revised our revised strategy till it started to look like the original strategy… and now this thing happens. Negotiating with Veerappan was so simple. All you had to do was say yes and wait for the next cassette”.

Veerappan’s abduction came to light unexpectedly, when chief negotiator Mr RR Gopal was trying to establish contact with the forest brigand. Mr Gopal said that he had an inkling something was wrong when his bull frog mating call went unanswered after 250 straight attempts.

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