Agony aunt gives party leaders some tough love, because that’s how they like it!

Q Auntyji, what lessons can we learn from the 2009 elections? – AJ

maskDear AJ, as you know, the BJP’s political strategy is based on the Hollywood blockbuster The Mask (Hindi dub: Mukhota), in which Jim Carrey plays a shapeshifting charmer who gatecrashes parties, wins friends, and realizes all his dreams.

But did you know that there was a sequel to The Mask, in which they tried replacing Jim Carrey with some other actor? I’m guessing you didn’t, because the movie was a colossal dud. Moral of the story is, if you can’t sign up Jim Carrey, don’t bother making the movie.

Q Auntyji, Arun Shourie has compared us to Humpty Dumpty. Is he right? – VN

Dear VN, that depends entirely on what Shourie wants Humpty Dumpty to mean. Perhaps he means someone who Humpties a party and then Dumpties it?

Q Aunty, I’m a young soft-spoken MP who’s just been to jail for making a doctored hate-speech. I got elected by a landslide, but my party is giving me the cold shoulder. What’s going on? Earlier they used to go crazy over such speeches but now they’re looking at me like I farted in the elevator. It’s like the party’s been doctored or something. Anyways, I’m confused about where this party is going. I need answers fast or my mom will drag me to some other party. – Confused

Dear Confused, Yeh andar ki baat hain. You must exercise extreme caution in your choice of underwear. You can pick either desi knickers or designer knickers. Never pick both, or the knickers will bicker. Too many people are wearing Calvin Kleins underneath their VIPs and finding themselves in a tight spot. Others are growing too fat in the party and, horror of horrors, exceeding their briefs. So you should really pick the right knickers. Remember that your party suffers both when it is out of garment and when it is in coalition garment.

Q Dear Auntyji, I’m a senior party functionary. I have forgotten my gmail password. Can you help me? – SS

Dear SS, all party functionaries use the same gmail password. It is “PM2014”

Q Auntyji, there is too much confusion about Hindutva in my party. Please clarify – (anonymous)

(b. 1923)

(b. 1923)

Dear Anonymous, As you must have heard by now, Hinduism is not a religion, it is a way of life. Hindutva, on the other hand, is a religion, not a way of life. Hindutva is the mother-in-law Hinduism got, when it was married off into the parivar. Unlike Hinduism, Hindutva has solid middle-class values and fixed opinions on everything from booze to skimpy clothes to article 377. Naturally, Hindutva frowns on many things Hinduism has been doing for thousands of years.

spindutvaPlease note that “Hindutva” is currently out of fashion because it has few takers outside the parivar. The term has been superseded by “Spindutva,” or integral humanism. Spindutva is lucidly explained by Mr. Sudheendra Kulkarni in his bestseller Spindutva for Dummies. Mr. Kulkarni is an ex-IITian and an expert on calculus. He discusses at length why differential humanism is actually integral humanism.

Q Auntyji, what happened at the recently held Chintan Baithak? – SNC

SNC, contrary to popular belief, BJP leaders did not shy away from a brutally frank assessment of past mistakes. The past was in fact dissected and analyzed threadbare. Every issue was addressed and the necessary corrections made. The past is looking much better now.

Q Auntyji, what is Advaniji’s contribution to Indian politics? – RSP

Dear RSP, Advaniji will be remembered as a man who got on a chariot and spent months galvanizing the masses to do something that took him entirely by surprise.

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